At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
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