Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So many bounce houses so little time
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
