I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
