She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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