anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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