Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
