I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i drank out of a bidet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
