She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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