between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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