Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
