when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
