he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
