there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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