A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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