I just saw a hot homeless man
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize