If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
