remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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