We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
