I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
