Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
