i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
being pregnant is like rehab
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
