i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
