Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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