u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
