well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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