What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
