Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
