just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
