yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
