im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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