I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
