remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
