He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
