I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
