Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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