Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
