Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
