Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
