i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Four minutes until I can fart!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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