I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
