70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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