I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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