I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
