I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
