look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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