He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize