This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
