im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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