I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Houston, we have a squirter
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
