I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You may now shotgun with the bride
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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