Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
