last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
