i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
