I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
