I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
