In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
