just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
