I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
