i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
